The youngest version of you needed to discover boundaries.
At first it was physical.
New in your body, you articulated your arms and legs. You held up your head to look around. You tuned your ears to make sense of sounds.
Then as you grew, you recognized the separation from the rest of the universe. You came to see yourself as individual.
Meeting other people opened the door to learning social boundaries.
You were taught to share toys, respect other people’s space, and be polite.
Our greatest influence in this process was our parents.
Whether they are biologically related, or generous caregivers, they taught us the meaning of authority along with the meaning of boundaries.
Who had the authority. Why they had it. And how to respect it.
Our parents modeled authority, too.
They provided and protected. They had the power to keep us from things we wanted. They also taught us that we would encounter many authorities outside of the home.
As an example, there are:
- Authorities in School
- Authorities in Church (or Temple, Synagogue, etc.)
- Authorities in the Name of the Law
- Authorities in Money
- Authorities in Expertise
- Authorities in Employment
- Authorities in Marriage
Each of these institutions have instructions, rules, or guidelines that they expect from us.
Our compliance is reinforced by fear.
- Fear of failing grades and falling behind
- Fear of going to hell
- Fear of going to jail or getting fined
- Fear of not getting that loan
- Fear of shame for getting it wrong
- Fear of starting all over
- Fear of suffering divorce
What would open up if that fear no longer had a hold of you?
What would open up if that fear was given a place to sit peacefully in your psyche? Not pushed away. Just not in charge of your next move.
What would open up if you took back the authority?
Let’s try a simple example.
In the next job interview, take back your own authority in that meeting.
Stop looking for the right answers. Start looking for the right questions.
“It is not the answer that enlightens, but the question.” ― Eugene Ionesco
Open the conversation with what is on their mind.
“I’m not sure that I’m the right fit for what you are looking for. Can we explore what those things are? Help me understand why I was chosen for this interview. Please share what a successful hire would accomplish in the first 9 months.”
There is a high probability that the interview panel have not stopped to discuss it amongst themselves. That they haven’t agreed to it as a group.
“If you have already decided on what direction you are going, then why are we having this meeting?” –Todd Lieb
Once you have sought to understand, then put yourself at service to their goal. Help them explore, refine, and prioritize what is most important.
Share examples from your experience. These are contextual anchors for the wisdom that arises from failure.
“Most events in life can be categorized in one of two ways: a good time, or a good story.” –Margot Leitman
Take a lesson from the most accomplished.
Tom Hanks does not audition for roles.
He selects parts that allow him to explore what he is capable of doing. He screens screenwriters, directors, and producers. Not the other way around. He has taken authority of the decision for the next role he is in.
You might object to this reasoning.
Yes, Tom Hanks doesn’t audition because his work is broadly seen and celebrated. His work is diverse and emotional. He brings audiences into theaters because of his talent.
Yes, Tom Hanks doesn’t need the money. He has plenty.
You might say that his abundance affords him choice.
I would say that his feeling of abundance gives him choice.
This is the pivot.
When we say that the external world gives us happiness, we give our power away. That pay raise. That new home. That upgrade on the seating chart.
The minute we no longer have it, the minute we are no longer are happy.
“Success, like failure, is only temporary.” –Roy H. Williams
What is equally crazy is that even when we get it, we cannot remain happy. Consider the number of lottery winners who are no longer ecstatic. Jonathan Haidt describes this as a getting to a new set point.
Happiness is a state of inner fulfillment, not the gratification of inexhaustible desires for outward things. –Matthieu Ricard
What we give authority to is a matter of mindset.
Undoubtedly there are consequences for breaking the law, pissing off the boss, and violating the trust of a spouse. You should walk into your choices aware of those consequences.
However, this does not cancel out the invitation to take back our authority. The authority for how we spend our time, what we chose to believe, and how we show up.
What you will uncover in the reclamation is your responsibility.
When authority is equally balanced there is no real authority. Then we are faced to answer fundamental questions.
What do others need right now?
What is my role in this situation?
Where can my talents, experience, or passion make a difference?
Answering these questions are far more constructive that attempting to impress. Because it already puts you on the team ahead of the job offer. In sets the context for how you will behave once you are on board.
This is much more valuable to a hiring manager than technical skills or degrees from pedigree institutions.
“Authority without responsibility is tyranny. Responsibility without authority is freedom.” –Tony Dina
This is not a guarantee you will get the job. It is a guarantee that you will show up differently.
It is fundamentally an invitation to be a better version of yourself. To cultivate abundance for yourself by cultivating abundance for others.
Then watch the dominoes fall. One opportunity after another, you will walk with authority.
That is a feeling that you will never forget.
The Visual8 